Garrus Vs The KinkMeme
by AllianceCommand
Summary: Garrus discovers how turians are portrayed in the Mass Effect Kink Meme. He is not amused.


Short fill for the kinkmeme. Just a small divergence from my other projects. Those are still in the works, so keep an eye out.

Hope you enjoy.

******

Garrus cursed as he tossed the datapad away. The turian slumped back into his seat, pinching the bridge of his nose as he did. It was one of many distinctly human gestures that he adopted during his time on the Normandy. Another gesture he was fond of was "flipping the bird", that is, to extend one's middle finger upwards while the rest of his hand was closed into a fist. The gesture essentially told the recipient to fuck off.

As Garrus was a turian and having only three fingers, this meant using his index finger to "flip people off". This often confused his fellow turians, but that was the reason he liked that gesture: He could "flip people off" all the damn time and they wouldn't even know he was doing so.

At the moment, all Garrus wished to do was to use that specific gesture on whatever sick, twisted fuck that created what Garrus believed to be, in his own words, "The most absurd extranet page ever created and home to the largest amount of galactic stupidity ever".

Unfortunately, Jane Shepard did not share his views. At the moment, the first human spectre sat across from him on her coach, laughing like mad. Garrus stared at her, incredulously. How she could draw humor from such a demented site was beyond him.

"Is there any particular reason you find this just _so_ damn funny?"

Jane's giggling died down, the human regaining control of herself quickly.

"It's just... you're reaction was funny!"

That's it? That was her reason? Did she not know just how offensive this was?

Unless...

"Do you believe any of that?" Responded Garrus, pointing towards the discarded datapad which had made a comfy home imbedded into the glass Jane's Model Ship case.

"Any of what?" Came Jane's short reply.

"Any of _that_! The stories! Do you really think turians are like that?"

Jane looked back at him, contemplating. Her eyes adopted a predatory look that made the plates on the back of Garrus's head tense up.

"I don't know. How about you let me find out?" Her voice dropped to low, sultry tone. Anyone with half of a brain could pick up on the signals. Normally, Garrus would dive into such an invitation with eagerness but not now. His frustration had turned to anger and he was not in the mood.

Garrus scowled at Jane, the clicking in his throat morphing into a noticeable growl. Catching himself quickly he forced it down. The growling would just add to Jane's apparent jaded view of turians.

Turians are not animals. They are an sentient race, intelligent. They supplied the single largest portion of the Citadel fleet! By the spirits, the turians are on the damned Council! What more proof do they need? It's indisputable!

And yet, _that_ site exists. Its vast amount of content houses a staggering number of... "racy" stories, many of which feature turians.

Garrus was fine with smut and pornography, he really was. Despite being described as "uptight" by his associates, the turian could enjoy the occasional issue of Fornax or "after dark special".

It was the way turians were portrayed on the site that angered Garrus to no end.

His race was described as testosterone-fueled savages. Snarling and growling as they utterly ravaged their partner in bed. They bit and clawed at the frail bodies of their bedfellows, often drawing blood, lost to "pure instinct". Garrus snorted at that last one.

_Instinct_.

Was it instinct to bite your lover? To claw at them like some sort of wild beast?

Or was it just the author's obscure vision of the turian race?

Did all humans find this... sexy? Did they revel in unpleasantly painful intercourse?

"No."

Jane blinked.

"What?"

"You heard me."

Jane didn't understand. She was practically offering sex on a silver platter to Garrus and he refused?

Jane felt a little hurt which promptly sparked into anger and sexual frustration.

"Is there a reason why not?" She said evenly.

"Do you really think turians are like that?"

Jane sighed.

"I just asked if you would let me find out, but you refused."

"Well, sorry commander. If you were expecting to be ravaged by some sort of lusty turian beast with infinite stamina then you'll be sadly disappointed."

Jane glanced back towards the datapad. Realization dawned on the human.

"The stories offended you?"

"You're damn right they did!" Garrus snapped, "Turians are not animals! _I_ am not an animal!"

Jane eyes dropped to the floor. She messed up. But Garrus wasn't finished.

"Is that all you see when you look at me, Shepard? Well, I apologize! There is no savage, primal turian with a ridged cock ready to fuck you into next week! He doesn't exist."

"...I'm sorry, Garrus." Jane muttered quietly. He could barely hear it, but he knew it was sincere.

Soon, Garrus deflated as well, slumping back into his chair once again.

The two sat in silence for what appeared to be the longest time.

Finally, Jane spoke up.

"So... no ridged dicks, huh?"

"Pardon?"

"I don't mean to be forward but... your dick..." Her eyes drifted down to Garrus's crotch, "No ridges?"

_What in the name of the spirits?_

"No. We do not have ridges, Jane. I honestly have no idea where that rumor came from. Probably just wishful thinking. You'd think someone would've cleared that up by now."

To Garrus's surprise, Jane didn't seem disappointed. She seemed... curious.

"So what is it shaped like?"

Garrus's almost swallowed his tongue.

"...Sorry?"

"So turian dicks have no ridges. They're not didlo-dicks. What are they shaped like?"

"Wha-? They're shaped like dicks! What the hell else would they be shaped like?! _**Forks?!**_"

Jane glanced up to Garrus's fringe when he said that, smirking at the turian.

"Oh, you can go fuck right off, Shepard."

Jane's laughter filled the room, leaving Garrus to pinch the bridge of his nose once more.

The turian sighed before letting the humor get to him as well.

"You're just lucky we nipped this in the bud before it got out of hand. Just imagine if this got to the turian public. They'd either declare war or try and enforce the rumors. My race's ego is big enough as it is, Shepard. We don't need any unwanted interference."

Fin


End file.
